They tried to warn me. They told me that 'everything' would change after I had children. Well, d'uh! Of course it would! Midnight feedings, diapers up the yin-yang, no more jumping on the bike early one Sunday morning and going for a twelve hour ride down some back country highway, not caring if I get lost...
That's not what they meant.
They meant 'everything.' Every little aspect of my life that I took for granted. Every minute detail that I never even realized existed but would impact my daily life in ways I could never have dreamed.
Take Kentucky Fried Chicken, for example. I used to love the stuff. For all I know, I probably still do. Unfortunately, where I previously had a cast-iron stomach, motherhood has apparently replaced it with a wet sack of oatmeal. KFC is now cause for a desperate call to 9-1-1, which someone else will have to make since I'll be doubled over, suffering from abdominal pains that would make Sigourney Weaver jealous.
We won't discuss my breasts. They used to be very close, but they've apparently parted ways.
I was never sick. Never. Not even a cold. I also had no allergies to speak of. I could run naked through a field of dandelions while frolicking with a Persian cat, and I wouldn't get so much as a sniffle. Now I catch anything my son brings home from school, whether or not he's showing any symptoms. Allergies? Either I've developed allergies to the lovely set of tulips sitting outside my front door, or I am suffering from the longest and most location-specific cold in medical history.
A piece of useless trivia: it's impossible to sneeze without closing your eyes.
A piece of useful advice: after motherhood, it's not wise to sneeze without crossing your legs.
I wear a pad every day of the month just in case I sneeze while I'm out shopping. Hospitals should definitely introduce Kagel exercises as part of the postpartum program, not only in prenatal classes.
Do I regret any of it? Nope. Not in a million years. Saggy, mismatched breasts and all - these are badges of honour and I wear them proudly. For I am a Mother. No higher honour can be bestowed upon me. :D
Technorati tags: Motherhood ; Pregnancy
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5 comments:
Now that was a post that made me laugh!!!! Thanks Biker Momma! I could really relate, especially about the breasts parting ways, LOL!
Yes, I agree -- motherhood has changed me in so many ways. Have you ever read Susan Alexander Yates' book, And Then I Had Kids? It's one of my favorites. We can all relate to how EVERYTHING changes after kids enter our world!
Hello there biker momma. I saw that you commented on one of Elizabeth's posts and I thought I would check your blog out. I like it. I really like that snowy picture in the left hand corner. Is that of your house? My hubby used to have a bike. We sold it and sold my car so we could get me a Corvette. My hubby now wants another bike. I like your humor in your posts.
Thank you for the comments & compliments, ladies!
Elizabeth, I'll have to write a whole post solely about my breasts one of these days. There's a WHOLE LOT of humour to be had in that topic!
Heather, no I haven't read that book, but now I'm curious and will definitely look it up. Thanks for the tip.
Ashley, yes, the profile pic was actually taken out my front door in mid-February of this year. So, in reality, it's a pic of the neighbour's house across the street. :D Funny you should comment on that, as I had literally decided minutes before your post that I'd be changing my profile pic to reflect the seasons, and I'd always use pics from around my house. Corvette's are really nice. My hubby has always wanted a vintage vet - mid 60s style. But, he can't have his bikes and a Vette, so he's decided to stick with the bikes for now. ;)
My hubby also wants an old Vette. He wants a 50's or 60's. But there is no way we can afford that. With the one we have and the 1969 oldsmobile 442 he is restoring.
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