All Wired Up With Nowhere To Go

This sucks.

I had decided that I wanted to "officially" start practicing Taekwondo as part of my new fitness regimen. I say "officially" because, to this point, I've been practicing at night with my son. Nothing strenuous. Just making sure he's hitting targets properly, going through the poomsae with him, stuff like that. But not "really" practicing the art and sport of Taekwondo.

So I went to see my family doctor, just as a precaution you understand. After all, I'm no spring chicken any more. Pushing 40 and considerably overweight (I hate to use the term "morbidly obese", because it just sounds gross), I felt it was prudent for me to make sure I won't be going into cardiac arrest during class.

It's been a while since I've seen my family doctor. So long, in fact, that I've only now realized that he has shut down his family practice in favor of a walk-in clinic. The doctor I saw this week is not the man I've been seeing for years, not the man who saved my husband's life when he was diagnosed with colon cancer, not the man who saw me through 2 pregnancies and their subsequent c-sections. No, this was some other schmoe who happened to be manning the shop that particular day. Gotta love the personal touch of a walk-in clinic.

So, I told Schmoe of my plans, and how I wanted to make sure it was OK before I signed up. I also mentioned these funny little flippy feelings in my chest that happen once in a while for a second or so. I presumed these were a direct result of my excess weight, and they'd stop once I got back into some semblance of shape, right?

The mystery doctor listens to my heart, writes a few squiggles in my file, and tells me that there's nothing to worry about (easy for HIM to say), but we're going to get me to wear this thing called a "cardiac loop recorder" for a week. This will record my heart beat for the week, and then it'll be sent out to a cardiologist for review. If I have any more of these "flippy" feeling things, I'm to press the little button on the recorder and write it down in the diary (which is actually a sheet of paper - talk about high-tech).

I'm on day two of wearing this thing, which looks a bit like an iPod, except that it's wired to my ribs and collar bone instead of my ears, and isn't nearly as entertaining. I hate the feeling of being "tethered". I hated it when I was in the hospital for my c-sections, to the point where the nurses had to remove my IV or I'd do it for them. I hate it now, but I'll put up with it because I have to if I intend to get into kick-ass shape (get it? It's a pun on the whole Taekwondo thing). It's just one more step in my wellness journey, right? At least, that's what I keep telling myself every time the stupid connector things get glued to my T-shirt. You'd think they'd at least make the stupid wires long enough to let you pull your pants down when you go to the bathroom.

I've got one week with the iPain, and then another week or so before I get the results. So I won't be joining TKD until some time in May, if at all. Not impressed, people! In the mean time, I've been googling "flippy chest feeling". Turns out they're called "palpitations" and can be caused by any number of things. My fave, though, has got to be "menopause". Because that would just figure. It would add to the whole "old and fat" theme I've got going on these days. Ugh.